Wow, a Whole Year Gone?

I can't believe an entire year has gone by since I've posted. Amazing. Here we are at spring again, although you wouldn't really know it. Today, the high is only in the 50s, and it's raining.

We just had Mother's Day. Once again, in my own little family, it was nothing special. Last year was the year that it was completely ignored; and then when I bristled at being taken to Home Depot to choose my own gift (really?!), Gordon spent the rest of the day installing my pond. It would have been easier to just teach the children that it's not too much to ask to treat your mother nicely for one day out of the year. Do little things for her...offer to do the dishes, the laundry, etc. And if you're the father of those children, you could probably pitch in, too. After all, she bore them all, didn't she?

Anyway, my children paraded into my bedroom with a card and an orchid, which I have been wanting and is lovely. They climbed around in my bed for a few minutes, and filed back out of the room. Gordon then announced that he was going to play volleyball. Yep, on Mother's Day. That's his way of making sure he's still the most important: force it to be so. So, I was left to prepare the Mother's Day food, do the dishes and laundry, and wait until the baby had taken her nap. Sounds like fun, eh? Worst of all, my children are growing up believing that we don't celebrate one another. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, they take more notice at how I celebrated my own mother.

It was a bit of work, but I made kabobs for everyone, plus basil & mozzarella tomatoes. Angie and I had made an edible arrangement for my mom-it turned out pretty well, even though it was our first attempt. We had fun doing it, although at first, we were sort of at a loss of where to begin. We did have a great day at my mom's which made up for the morning (even though Gordon did spend that entire time on the couch, as well). I was determined not to have a completely crappy day. We had great food, good wine, and good conversation. It's always great to hang out with my mom and my sister.

Today is yet another year since my baby Jacob died. Cannot believe it has been twelve years. I went to the cemetery today...some babies had just been buried. I wish I could have his body exhumed and moved to a different location-someplace meaningful to me. I know that's silly and futile. Nothing will change. Even still, I've spent the better part of today thinking and remembering, allowing long repressed notions to surface. Nothing will change, and the pain never goes away...but each day, I learn how to live around it a little better...learn to be a little more grateful for my children who have not grown wings.

Babies, Cats, Pigs & Bunk Beds

It's almost time for me to have this baby, as most of you know. I'm excited-REALLY excited to be done and to meet her, but I'm anxious, too. I am trying to just take things as they come, but I can't help worrying and anticipating.

I have been ridiculously busy, trying to get ready. I've tried to do all of my Christmas preparations (I still have stuff to do, but I'm pretty well set, except for wrapping). I've tried to clean up, and of course, wash all the baby clothes. There are still totes full of baby clothes in the back of the basement that I've begged G to retrieve...there are far too many obstacles for me to get them myself (namely, said Christmas preparations). I have been trying to keep up with the rest of the family laundry, keep the house in some kind of order, etc. Today I dropped a chunk of change at the store on staples and frozen foods so that we've got something to eat. I even managed to get a haircut, since that will surely be out of the question for a few weeks.

Anyway, so the two little boys are going to be sharing a room, sooner or later. We've been stalking Craigslist for bunk beds for some time now. Earlier this week, we were interested in a set that included a dresser, shelves, desk, etc. It's like a room-in-one. Well, that was sold (because someone else was interested, and the people tried to get me to "counteroffer", but as it wasn't eBay, I wasn't inclined to up my bid), but we found a similar set that was even cheaper. I finally got G to go take a look at them tonight, and he planned to just bring them home if they were in good enough shape. Even the mattresses were being included. I'm kinda iffy (ok, a lot iffy) about someone else's mattress, but I figured it was her daughter's (as in, one child, not two), and there would be waterproof mattress covers on top anyway. So, unless they were gnarly, it would probably be alright.

G called me from the person's neighborhood, and said he was pretty scared. He said there was a dirt road, and it just looked funky. I'm thinking to myself, whatever, plenty of people have a dirt road. Doesn't mean they're inbred or anything. Five minutes later, he called back. He was back outside, and informed me that there were about 45 cats in the house, and a pig. Yes, really...a pig. I insisted that he was joking, but he said, "An effing pig, Amy, I pet the thing!" Oh my. At first I was under the impression that the house was just funky, but he later assured me that no, it was in fact filthy. And the lady had left her 13 year old daughter home alone, to deal with this potential buyer of bunk beds, who could have been anyone, for all she knew. I'm thinking to myself, you were supposed to give the girl $550?! He said the furniture itself was not bad, but not worth the $550 since the mattresses would not be desired. I'd just as soon not inherit whatever nastiness they might contain.

So, one of G's coworkers was getting rid of a decent set of bunk beds, and we've bought them. We'll buy our own mattresses. At least we know that they're quality, and that his coworker is not a funky person. But oh man, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when G walked in there. I would have paid money to see his face when the pig appeared. And all 45 cats.

Update from my Baby Blog

Today started off extra-early. I had to go to University for my 3 hour glucose tolerance test, since I failed the 1 hour. Despite arriving before 8am, and telling two different front-desk-people that I needed to be at the other building by 11am and could I please have my nasty orange drink right away, they managed to ignore me until 8:22. That means I was going to be until at least 11:22 for my testing, and I needed to call across the street to let them know. I didn't have the number, and the lab people claimed they didn't, either. I suppose they didn't have a directory or even internet access, either. But, I did note that for a black lady, they immediately looked up her doctor's number. And with all the other black clientele, they happily sang, "Good Morning!", and inquired about their health, their day, whatever. Not so much with me. Nice.

Anyway, I felt pretty nasty by the time I left the lab...I was shaky, heart pounding, etc. Despite not being hungry, I wolfed down a small granola bar, and felt worse. I waited almost an hour and a half at the Fetal Assessment Center, since I had thrown their schedule out of whack. My ultrasound went well...we could see her hair! I have been saying that the only thing I haven't had so far is a bald baby, but I guess that's out now, too. She's estimated to weigh 3lbs 10oz, which is still larger than average. That puts her at roughly 6lbs 10oz at birth, which is more than Cam & Noah, but less than Collin. We'll see how that plays out.

Then I went for my non-stress test & biophysical profile. Things were going fabulously, and I thought I might get out in record time, when all of a sudden, her heartrate dropped. Where it had been in the 130s, it dropped to 85 or 90. I literally heard Kristen, the nurse I've been seeing, drop what she had and run over. She had me lay completely on my left side (I was only slightly propped before that). The heart rate rose to 106. Not good enough. She had me get onto my hands and knees, and the baby's heartrate went up into the 120s. I could feel her moving around, so I knew she was doing ok, but my heart was pounding. I tried to lay down again, but the same thing happened, and then they couldn't get a reading at all. Kristen called for the other nurse, and the doctor. I was given oxygen, and soon there was a crowd around me. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound...we could see her moving around, and he explained that my placenta is on the back wall of my uterus, so any time I'm on my back, I'm compressing the cord and the placenta. They told me I would need to go up to Labor & Delivery for monitoring, and then they would take it from there...meaning, if she didn't straighten up, I was going to have a Cesarean right away. I thought, this is it, I'm having a c-section this time. Well, I guess she just didn't like that floor of the hospital, because as soon as we went upstairs, she was fine. Her movement and heart rhythms were fabulous for the next three hours.

I saw three doctors and two nurses, plus two anesthesiologists. Each one wanted my history, and despite having given all of it several times before, I had to give it seven more times. Angie came up to stay with me, which was great. She lends a comforting feeling, and gives me a different perspective than when I'm just there, wrapped up in my own head. The doctor that I really liked came back in to tell me that my results were back from my 3-hr test, and they were great. She said my sugar was too low by the end (gee, you think so?!). I said, well, can I PLEASE have something to eat then? She said I could probably have something in a while, but I never did get to eat. I did get a cranberry juice, which my stomach didn't agree with. I was finally released, and on the way home, I stopped at Panera. I got a salad, half a sandwich (which of course has the calories of any full-sized sandwich one might make at home), and a frozen mocha, plus a hunk of bread...and I ate it ALL. I'm feeling much more human now. And as I sit here, the baby wiggling and having hiccups inside me, I'm thankful that she hasn't made her entrance into this world just yet. The last thing Kristen said to me was, "See you next week." I hope she's right.

Exhale

Following is from my baby blog:

23wks 6days

I went for my ultrasound to diagnose any problems, regarding my abnormal AFP test results. Ready for this one? My results were never abnormal! They were only borderline/slightly elevated. After the wave of relief, I really became pretty angry. Some of you might recall that this is not the first time this OB has regarded test results in the same way. I really think I'm going to switch doctors, and I hope the doctor I want is taking new patients. He's another perinatologist whom I have seen before (with Collin). He's at St. Agnes, where I will be delivering. I feel confident with him, and he's personable. I'm just fed up with my regular OB.

Anyway, they looked at the baby's spine again, and the brain, the cord, the placenta-everything. Everything looks perfect. I then talked at length with the genetic counselor, who said there is no issue. The perinatologist that I love, Dr. Arrabal, said he wouldn't even have tested any further, because the result was so slightly elevated, and because we'd already had a perfect ultrasound. I expressed my concern that the elevated level might be due to my own cancer (because maternal cancer could be a cause of elevated AFP levels in my blood), and the genetic counselor quickly dismissed that fear. She said it simply isn't possible.

So, there you have it-all that worrying and thinking about how my life might change, for nothing at all. I will say again that I wish I had never had the test in the first place, but at least I got to see the baby again. I'm most thankful nothing was wrong. I'll see her again in another four weeks, and then probably weekly after that. She's growing perfectly, and there is not a thing to be worried about right now.

Except telling my doctor that I no longer require her services. Anyone have any advice on that? Lord knows I hate confrontation, and I detest offending anyone, so that's going to be hard for me.

Thank you so much, to everyone who prayed for us. God is good. And a big thank you to Jenn for watching Noah today!

It's A...

So, in case you don't get my baby site updates and you're interested:

I'm just back from my "big" ultrasound. All the parts are present and appear to be just fine, so that's good. Gordon was suprirsed and disappointed to find that it's a GIRL! For some reason, he really had it in his head that he wanted another boy, and that's what she was going to be. He kept complaining to the ultrasound tech and to me, but we reminded him that it's no one's fault but his own. His "boy" boys just didn't swim that well on that particular day, I guess.

I guess that's why we gave away a ton of our baby boy stuff a month before we got pregnant. I have to figure out what I have left and what I need. I'm happy to know what she is...I've been waiting not-so-patiently! Most of all, I'm glad there are no anomalies.

Hope you are all well!

Archives-Midnight Musings July 13, 2007

July 13, 2007

How can it be Saturday again already? I am so sick of working every single weekend--working Friday night, and then right back in on Saturday morning. Now, I really shouldn't complain, because I only work *outside the home* for about 15 hours (three days) per week. However, I do have a full-time job here at home. G thinks it's all cake, how I go on walks at the park, take "field trips" to petting zoos, etc. I was pretty sure he got a taste of what it's really like while I was in Mexico. Anyway, it just seems like the summer is flying by at an alarming rate. One more month, and the kids will be getting ready to go back to school. One more month, and I'll be back to getting up early every day. Kinda makes homeschooling sound like an attractive option.
So, Matt & Christi are moving in a couple of days. I still can't believe they're going. The older I get, the more I cherish my friends and family, and therefore do not wish to be far away from them. In fact, I'd really hate to move somewhere brand new and start all over again without anyone at all. I think G's going to be really depressed when his best friend is gone. On the other hand, I might be able to get him to spend more time with me!
We took the pacifier away from the baby. He breaks my heart, asking for it. He's really a more babyish boy than the other two were at this age. I just don't know how I'm going to console him while we're out...it's so convenient to pop in the paci when he's fussing in the dr's office or whatever. Seems like the other two, we could reason with a little more than him. I'm waiting for Terrible Two-style tantrums to ensue. I guess it's better in the long run, but I'm of the opinion that no one goes to college-or even elementary school-with one, so it's not that big a deal to me...especially when they only have it at bed time. G was more interested in taking it away from him than I was.
I just received notification about my (ahem) 15 year reunion. Um, that's a little bit scary!!! First of all, it's at La Fontaine Bleu (blech). They said, 'I know, but it was the cheapest thing around'. Secondly, I'm not sure anyone from my little (and I do mean little) group of friends will be there. There are a few people I would like to see, but that's about it. What do you think? Did you go to yours? Would you go?
So, tomorrow we're having a fire to send Matt & Christi off. I'm only expecting a handful of people, but it should be fun (if I can stay awake!). I have a habit of staying up too late on Friday, getting up early on Saturday, having a couple of drinks and then passing out sitting up. It's rather embarrassing, really. I will try to stay awake, at least for the majority of the evening. Hey, at least if I pass out, then I don't have to clean up, right?

Archives-Dr. Mom 6/8/2007

June 8, 2007

I'm feeling the strains of motherhood/wifehood lately. I feel like I'm being pulled in about 19 different directions, and I'm, well, overextended. And tired, irritated, bored, and lonely. One more week left of school, and I'll have my daughter all day long, too. On her own, she is great. On his own, the middle boy is great. Put them together, and strife is bound to ensue. Add the little man, who's lately fond of hitting, pushing, biting, and spitting, and everyone's having a great time.
Speaking of the little man, he's sick. It started with a cold, which he had for about a week, then spiked a fever. In my professional mom experience, that means something is now infected with bacteria...ears, lungs, throat. Only, none of those things is "showing anything yet", as the doctor put it. That means, no medicine. That means, miserable baby. I'm supposed to give him ibuprofen and Tylenol, around the clock (has to be both, or the fever stays up) until Saturday, when being seen by the doctor is warranted again. Now, if he really has no infection come tomorrow morning, I will insert my foot into my mouth and commence chewing, but I'll also be completely surprised. My dearest G will have to take him to the dr, since I'll be at work...and pay another $15 copay...only to be told what I'm sure is true (something is infected). And then the doctor will finally give us the Pink Stuff. Until then, we have to deal with hours of screaming, like last night (*SIGH*). This is when I wish I lived in Mexico, so I could just go to the pharmacy and buy the Pink Stuff my own self.
We went to see a favorite New Orleans band, the Iguanas, the other night. They were really good, as always, but we were sad to see that the one sax player/singer Derek Huston is gone from the band. What makes it worse, he's the one who has recognized us each time we have seen them. He is replaced by a young kid with lots of hair who plays a mean trumpet...but he's no Derek. In a couple of weeks, we will go see Cowboy Mouth. I'm hoping all those guys are still the same, because they put on a great show. I guess all the NOLA bands must all be on tour now...it IS getting hot down there, after all. Not as hot as here, today, though...97 degrees, what the heck is that? And me with my air conditioner in my car barely functioning. I'm not kidding, I can't tell whether the air it's putting out is any bit cool, or just slightly less hot than the stifling inferno of the rest of the car. A minivan is looking better and better. Guess I'd better go take my walk now, before I melt in the afternoon sun.

Archives- Summer Colds, Vacations and Birthdays 6/1/2007

June 1, 2007

I'm sick as hell again. I hate a summer cold. I'm debating on calling out of work today, because I can't breathe, I'm coughing and sneezing, and I have no voice. What the heck is the use in trying to help people and communicate with them, when all you can do is sneeze on them?
My baby turned two last weekend. He was extra cute at his party, and didn't even have a typical two-year-old-tantrum. I can't believe he's already two. He started asking questions (just three-word phrases), and he chatters non-stop, repeating everything I say like a little mynah bird. He still has the longest eye lashes I have ever seen.
Mexico was wonderful. I want to go back. The food was great, the unlimited beverages were so nice (although we did have to ask for Bacardi or Cuervo; otherwise we got the rail crap). We learned some new drinks-tequila boom-boom, Scooby Doo, Isla de Coco. It was absolutely beautiful...calm, crystal blue waters to sea kayak in, lush landscaping to stroll through, gorgeous weather. We visited the Mayan ruins at Tulum, which is also right on the Caribbean. That was stunning and our tour guide Pepe was very interesting, for history nerds like me. We also visited Xel-Ha, a (natural) ecological water park, where we snorkeled, saw cenotes (caves with rivers running through), animals, and more scenery. Drinks and food were included there, too, although I forgot to request Bacardi in 4 of my pina coladas, and got virgin ones. There's a good 1000 calories, wasted.
It was so nice to be there, in paradise, and not have to worry about my kids, but I must admit that I missed them horribly. It was so cool to be able to drink all day long, not have to worry about driving anywhere, not have to worry, period. But I missed sharing my experience with G. I wrote a million postcards, explaining everything I had done and seen (and they have yet to arrive...I expect to see Pedro riding up on his burro with them any day now). During the day, I felt as though I could stay another month...but at night, I would be lonely for my family.
Anyway, we enjoyed nightly "shows". One was a latino dance production which rivaled Dancing With the Stars. It was really good, honestly! The other one was hours of Queen videos, which I wanted to run screaming from. I'm not a fan of Freddie Mercury, I can't even stand to look at him. Another was Italian night (which we figured out after 5-10 minutes of not understanding a thing), during which they had a rewards ceremony for karaoke (which we missed), and an Italian improv. Hey, it was free. Sometimes I felt like I was at the Shelldrake from Dirty Dancing.
The people there were so friendly and eager to please. We met a couple of cool bartenders and servers-Ives, Ruben, and Belisario. My sister and I had a blast; I'm really glad that she went with us. It wouldn't have been the same without her.
Anyway, back to the old grind. I made a batch of yogurt last night, and colored it blue because my children like the artificial crap. Well, the food coloring must not have agreed with the cultures, because it was this nasty, grey-ish, separated mess this morning (so I immediately dumped all 42oz of it down the drain). I tried again this morning, this time with plain, white, vanilla. I'm going to attempt to build a lasagna completely from scratch (ok, so I'm not making the pasta) in a few minutes. The baby has learned that he is strong enough to lift the toilet lid with one hand, and empty the wastebasket into the toilet with the other. Last night, after my middle son's bath, he asked me about the part under his penis-why it has that kind of skin, why there's stuff that you can move around in there, etc. I explained to him what they were, and gave my husband's explanation of balls...God had a little extra elbow skin left over, so he put some down there. My husband says it helps you run faster. Ah, it's good to be home.

Archives-Old Wounds 5/11/2007

May 11, 2007

My baby Jacob would be nine years old today. I cannot believe it's been nine years. Nine years of missing the baby I never got to know, of wondering why me? I know, I know...everything happens for a reason. And losing him made me who I am today, but man.
I'll be sure to give my other babies extra kisses and hugs today.
"Brief is life, but love is long." -Alfred, Lord Tennyson