I can't believe an entire year has gone by since I've posted. Amazing. Here we are at spring again, although you wouldn't really know it. Today, the high is only in the 50s, and it's raining.
We just had Mother's Day. Once again, in my own little family, it was nothing special. Last year was the year that it was completely ignored; and then when I bristled at being taken to Home Depot to choose my own gift (really?!), Gordon spent the rest of the day installing my pond. It would have been easier to just teach the children that it's not too much to ask to treat your mother nicely for one day out of the year. Do little things for her...offer to do the dishes, the laundry, etc. And if you're the father of those children, you could probably pitch in, too. After all, she bore them all, didn't she?
Anyway, my children paraded into my bedroom with a card and an orchid, which I have been wanting and is lovely. They climbed around in my bed for a few minutes, and filed back out of the room. Gordon then announced that he was going to play volleyball. Yep, on Mother's Day. That's his way of making sure he's still the most important: force it to be so. So, I was left to prepare the Mother's Day food, do the dishes and laundry, and wait until the baby had taken her nap. Sounds like fun, eh? Worst of all, my children are growing up believing that we don't celebrate one another. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, they take more notice at how I celebrated my own mother.
It was a bit of work, but I made kabobs for everyone, plus basil & mozzarella tomatoes. Angie and I had made an edible arrangement for my mom-it turned out pretty well, even though it was our first attempt. We had fun doing it, although at first, we were sort of at a loss of where to begin. We did have a great day at my mom's which made up for the morning (even though Gordon did spend that entire time on the couch, as well). I was determined not to have a completely crappy day. We had great food, good wine, and good conversation. It's always great to hang out with my mom and my sister.
Today is yet another year since my baby Jacob died. Cannot believe it has been twelve years. I went to the cemetery today...some babies had just been buried. I wish I could have his body exhumed and moved to a different location-someplace meaningful to me. I know that's silly and futile. Nothing will change. Even still, I've spent the better part of today thinking and remembering, allowing long repressed notions to surface. Nothing will change, and the pain never goes away...but each day, I learn how to live around it a little better...learn to be a little more grateful for my children who have not grown wings.
