Monday, May 19, 2008

TMI Sensitivity or Weak Stomach? Stop Reading Right Now! Seriously.

After my youngest son was born, I decided to get an IUD as birth control. If you're not savvy, it is a tiny device, inserted into the uterus so that implantation (of a fertilized egg) cannot take place. For me, it was the perfect solution for several reasons: it's a one-time deal...no pills to remember, nothing to fool with in the heat of the moment; it is 99.6% effective; it lasts 10 years; there are no hormones involved; it's not permanent. The bad part was that I had to pay out-of-pocket for it, because my insurance company does not cover IUDs. Anyway, it was placed , and I nursed my son for quite a while, so I also didn't have a period for a long time. Then, this month, something was amiss. The date came and went-no period. I had no idea what was about to go through, but I knew what had happened. I knew, just like I knew my father had died. Just like I knew my baby had died. Just like I knew the other four test would be positive. I knew this one would be, too. It was. I stood there, shaking, in the Target bathroom, wondering what in the hell I am going to do with myself, and my other three children. I wonder how many other people do that-purchase a test, and just stop by the store restroom because they cannot possibly wait until they get home.

There started my rollercoaster ride, and it's not over yet. Today, I had the IUD removed laparoscopically. It turns out that it wasn't in my uterus at all...it was between my uterus and my bladder. That means that it probably perforated my uterus and went right through it when it was placed. Meaning, it never was where it belonged. On the ultrasounds, the IUD looked just like a straight line-not the T-shape it should be once it springs open after proper insertion...another hint consistent with perforation. The doctor went in through my belly button as well as another small incision on the left lower side of my belly and retrieved the wayward IUD, a procedure that only took about 15 minutes, I'm told. However, start to finish, I was at the hospital for about six hours. Before I left, they did an ultrasound. We saw the baby, and the heartbeat was fine (as it was Friday). Only time will tell, now. There is an increased risk that I will miscarry because of the surgery. I had to tell my children--they have been worried about my multiple doctor visits, bloodwork trips, and ultrasound appointments, not to mention all the times I threatened them to be quiet while I was on the phone with doctors and nurses. I guess it will be beneficial to them either way-they might as well learn that babies' lives are not in the hands of their parents. We don't always get to bring them home from the hospital in a nice new blanket.

I have talked on several occasions about my desire to have "just one more"...but when I looked at that plus sign on the stick, I nearly died. I realized that I was quite content with life with three. I also realized another thing: while I might look back on my baby days wistfully, I don't want to be pregnant again. It may be due to my recent severe anxiety. It may be due to my age. It may be that I really do have clarity about what I want. This is it. I dare say that I might feel differently if the outcome is poor. I'm known to change my mind like that. When my first baby was stillborn, I immediately wanted another child, despite previously swearing that he would be my only. This time, I honestly think that no matter what, this is our last child.

So, it's kind of exciting, thinking about having another new baby. It will be neat to see my older kids with the baby. The sleepless nights and incessant nursing? Eh. In fact, I'm pretty much dreading it. And I have no idea where we're going to put it. We have a four bedroom house, so they're all full. The rooms are relatively small, so someone is going to be forced to share...and they're probably not going to like it. Good thing we got that minivan, I guess. Then there's the money. Or lack of it. It's already hard enough, living with three. The diapers...my Lord. My youngest is still in them. G joked that if this baby is a girl, she will likely be using the potty before he is. We'll make it, I know we will. It just might be harder than it has been. There are so many what-ifs, so many variables...sometimes it's just hard to keep it all in perspective and recognize it for the immense blessing that it is. Some people would kill for this opportunity. Some people never have this opportunity. When I consider the odds of what happened, combined with the normal odds of achieving pregnancy, it's astounding. It's clear that this baby is a miracle, and it's clear that it was meant to be. You can be as scientific about it as you like; I know that it was meant to be.

So, only time will tell. My problems right now are my anxiety, which I cannot mask pharmaceutically, and my pain, for which I don't care to take a narcotic. Tylenol does little, and has never done much for me. I'm not supposed to be alone with my children for a week...meaning, I'm supposed to take it that easy for a week. Not sure how that's going to happen. I'm trying not to worry about it. I'm trying to take it one step at a time. For now, I'm just thirsty and my throat hurts from the breathing tube.

Monday, May 5, 2008

By the Water

I finally got all three of my kids to the beach (that's the local beach at Downs Park, of course) at the same time.  They had so much fun, and were so busy.  They ran back and forth a million times, collecting sticks, building stick "houses".  Cameron met a girl from Germany who had eczema worse than she does.  We were free and carefree, the way it should be...at least most of the time.  I used to feel like that a lot with them, at various stages in my life.  Sometimes when it was only Cameron, sometimes when it was just Cameron and Collin, and finally all three after Noah was born.  I don't know what happened after that-I lost some of that sense of communion with my children, and I certainly didn't often feel a great four-way connection with them.  Saturday, I felt like it was me and them in the world, and nothing else mattered.  There is freedom in that feeling, and happiness and peace, too.


There must have been a small craft advisory in effect, because the bay was so choppy.   The tide was so high that we couldn't pass the way we usually do to get to the beach, nor could we sit in our usual spot.  It was windy, and as soon as the sun started to dip, it became chilly, too.  The children were beautiful, in that almost-sunset light, and their hair blowing.  I watched the bay change colors from minute to minute, and felt beautiful  myself...simply because of my feelings and surroundings.


The littlest boy showed signs of needing to leave first.  I think he's hypoglycemic or something.  He dug through my insulated bag, which contained only drinks, insisting that I give him something to eat.  I assured him there was no food in the bag.  A couple of times, he even picked up a few pieces of trash off the beach, asking if he could eat them.  I took the opportunity to fill two sand pails full of trash from the beach for us to carry out.  I don't know if it was because of the weekend and increased traffic, or the high tide depositing more than a normal amount of trash, or what...but I know that I don't want to see it next time we go.


Anyway, so we went to Pastore's-I was thinking maybe we could eat dinner for the $15 I had in my pocket.  Did I ever find a deal!  You can actually get an 18" 1 topping pizza for $7.99!  Of course, the drinks were like $2 each, but the boys could share and I didn't want one because I had water in the car.  Ah, but then the children saw the case of cannolis, tiramisu, and cakes.  How can you say no to that?  Actually, our dessert cost more than our dinner.  It was worth it, though, and I didn't have to cook late in the evening.


I see many more days like that in our future this summer.  I see many dinners being eaten there on that beach-cold sandwiches, or maybe some chicken made ahead of time.  It's a shame they don't like salads.  Maybe they will learn what I know to be true...everything tastes better when you're outside, especially by the water.


Friday, May 2, 2008

Peaceful Surroundings

I went to the park today, because I had to.  I could not sit in this house, and didn't have the will to try to contain my children.  It's funny how as soon as I hear the bay's little baby-waves, my blood pressure drops and I feel my muscles relax.  Collin especially was missing Nanay, G's grandmother who is in the Philippines for three weeks.  She has been going to the park with us, and we have lunch together.  Despite having recently eaten breakfast, the laying down of the mat was signal enough to the boys to want to eat lunch.  They didn't eat much, of course, before they were off and running...fighting over who could put sand in whose bucket, who had which shovel.  Mostly, Noah causes the problem, because, well, he's still two, and does what he wants.  Once in a while, though, Collin will get that look in his eye, and you just know he's about to do something naughty.  I went on my usual comb of the beach in search of my newfound interest: sea glass.  There wasn't much to be had today, as it was still very high tide.  Usually we arrive later, so it has already been deposited on the sand.  It's amazing how much can be found there!  Sometimes I find pieces that are still sharp and shiny, and haven't been frosted by being tossed about in the waves...and I chuck them back into the water so that it can do its magic.  I don't know why the little pieces of once-hazardous waste interest me, but they're pretty, and they're fairly rare, in these times of plastic. 


All too soon, it was time for us to go.  I had a doctor's appointment, so we had to leave earlier than we normally might.  That was ok...the boys were tired by then, although at least one of them refused a nap.  If we'd had a little longer ride home, they'd both have been asleep in the car.


It's nice to have a peaceful day.